Here I am in a room with four grown men and nerves start to creep up my spine and into my heart. I stood there paralyzed with fear unsure of what is about to occur. Next thing I know, there I was submerged into the bottom of the water, brought to the surface gasping for air, then plunged back into water. I felt lifeless as if I was dead. Well, oddly enough I was dead. Allow me to explain. On September 1st, 2018 my life forever changed and the person I once was, was essentially dead. Prior to that point, I was dead spiritually and, on that day, I was brought back to life. This is the day that I got baptized and the old me was gone.
That introduction may seem a little anticlimactic, but that day meant a lot to me at the time and it still does. At my age commitment to anything is close to impossible. I change my mind like I change outfits. So, deciding to dedicate my life to something bigger than myself is one of the scariest things ever done. “Am I ready?”; “Is this what you want from me Father?”; “What is in your plan for me?” These are the questions that raveled my thoughts and my prayers for months. This was a day of pure self-reflection and I hated it. I am the type of person who doesn’t know themselves very well; so, when people ask me questions about myself, I fumble almost every time.
In every denomination of Christianity, the process of baptism differs. For example, one church may believe that multiple baptisms are possible, whereas for others only one baptism is allowed. My denomination in the Christian faith is Nazarene. So, we have a series of steps that you must take for you to even think about baptism.
Step one: attend baptism class for six months. Our baptism classes at the time were extremely traditional. Since I attend a Haitian church, our teacher only spoke Haitian Creole and French. You can imagine how difficult this might be for someone who’s primary language is English. Despite this challenge I still learned a lot, mostly from my peers.
Step two: have a meeting with the church council. Baptism week everyone who wanted to get baptized had to go before the council and the church’s many pastors and answer various questions. We all met up at the church apartment which was located conveniently next to the church. My father and I walked into the room and the tension was thick. Everyone’s anxiety was through the roof, especially mine. I sat next to my father trying to maintain my composure when he walked in. In my head I was praying that he didn’t sit next to me. He of course did, but luckily my friend Marly saved the day and sat in between us. He is part of the reason why I am so anxious. Would anyone catch on to this small white lie? If I slipped in the smallest way I would be met with dire consequences. He knew that. I just hoped we were both on the same page. The “he” I am referring to is my boyfriend: Fred. One of the questions that everyone dreads is, “Are you in a relationship?” I wanted to be truthful, but Lord knows that I couldn’t be. In the Haitian culture, boys aren’t allowed until after college if I’m being honest. At that point we had only been dating for a month, so I knew it wasn’t right to let the cat out of the bag. After getting advice from many people, we mutually decided to wait to let the elders know. During this meeting each person had to stand up one by one and answer any questions that they had for us. Some were about what we learned in class, while others were personal. As everyone went down the line the anxiety was building to the point where my chest felt tight. When it was my turn, it was as if God himself coached on what to say. Everything went smoothly, and I could now move forward to my baptism.
Step three: the church asks you questions. When it was the big day I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. I was happy that I was taking a big step in my faith, but I was scared to be a disappointment and not live up to certain expectations. I was excited to be changing my life around, but anxious about too much change. My parents were extremely excited. They would go on and on to my siblings about how they need to look at me as an example, I chose this life, God is pleased with me, etc. All of this just made more scared. The day went by so fast and before I knew it I was gathering my stuff and heading to the church. It was about 8:00 when everything began, but we had one more thing to do of course. During this time only the members, people who are baptized, are allowed inside the church. We were called individually to the front and anyone in the sanctuary can ask us any question they want. This may seem like a long process and it is, but our church wants to make sure that we know the seriousness of the commitment we are taking. God once again led me through this step and helped me say the right things.
Step four: the actual baptism. From my white headwrap to white gown to white undergarments, I have never felt so holy. My friends that were getting baptized with me were experiencing the same roller coaster of emotions that I was. It was at this moment that we decided to come together to pray and sing. As we were singing I felt so peaceful and so in tune with the holy spirit. I felt heard. Although my voice was masked through the array of voices I knew that God heard me. He heard my cries when I was depressed, he heard me when I was pleading for my father’s health, and he hears me now. With each step I take into the large tub filled with water, my anxiety lessened. Here I am surrounded by these men getting ready for me to “shed” my old spirit. The main pastor then began with a series of questions. “Do you believe that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that he died for our sings?”; “Yes, I do”. “Do you know what happened after he died?”; “He rose again and went to heaven”. “Do you believe that he is going to return?”; “Yes”. Then one of the other pastors blessed me and then down I went. I thought I was fully submerged but I wasn’t. On my way up, they forced down to the bottom to ensure I was fully covered. Once I got out of the water, I felt clean and like a whole new person. I finally felt heard and I was seen. Who better than the Almighty? This was the day where I became one and I was set apart as holy and I couldn’t be happier.
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